


5 Cans Olives

by lordofthepringles



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:06:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25268821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordofthepringles/pseuds/lordofthepringles
Summary: The Dean gives Jeff wayyyyy too much attention and Jeff tries to get help. Set post finale.
Relationships: Dean Craig Pelton/Jeff Winger
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	5 Cans Olives

Summers in Greendale were always humid and hot and Jeff hated them. It had been humid in Denver, but at least here he could find things to entertain himself like medical bookstores where he could spend hours in the air conditioning reading about brains and here the only bookstore was just off campus and it specialized in text books he was pretty sure were from the 1980s by the looks of it. They also had a bizarre number of children’s books for being a community college campus bookstore. He didn't like miniature humans very much because they carried too many germs and always asked questions that made him want to throw books at them.

He couldn't help that he had been a master manipulator and world class fake attorney, bred from his desire to prove himself as a child. He had always been smart, even as young boy, but the children today were so stupid, and he blamed Britta and Vaughn. He wasn't sure why, but they were both blonde and annoying and were now working on their third kid in five years after reconnecting. He walked around the campus some more trying to figure out if he wanted a frozen coffee drink, to take his chances on the bookstore, or just head back to his office to wait for his office hours with the next batch of students bound for menial labor jobs and dead end office jobs.

He was just deciding on coffee when he turned around and ran straight into The Dean. He and The Dean had always had an uneasy relationship because of the Dean’s history and his penchant for creeping out Jeff. He also had a bizarre fetish with olives that Jeff could never figure out.

"Hello Jeffrey, how are you deaning this fine afternoon? I hope you’re ready for summer classes to begin!”

"I’m fine, Craig. It’s the same set of students every semester at this point. Students too poor for university, not smart enough for university, or middle-aged divorcees spending their ex-husbands money on frivolous classes."

"Oh well, now Jeff, we shouldn't judge the reason our students come to us. They need us as much as we need them. Financially speaking that is, we're really behind in paying the mortgage on this place and well, we definitely don't want to lose our biggest financial supporters." 

"Yes, you’re right. God forbid we have Greendale’s finest hear us mocking them. I’m pretty sure even if they did hear, they wouldn’t be smart enough to put it together.”

"Oh, Jeffrey, you and your wit. I’m so glad you reached tenure here and won’t be going anywhere for a very long time."

Jeffrey stopped in his tracks at the statement from the Dean. It was true. He hadn’t gone anywhise since everyone else had moved on in the study group. Annie was married with twins to a real estate broker and she was managing his firm, Abed was in Hollywood writing for television, after Troy get rescued by pirates he began a inspirational speaking tour across the United States, and Shirley had gone national with his sandwich shop. Even Chang was somewhat of a local celebrity after his play received attention from Broadway elites and the clip of him dancing. The last person to leave was Britta who told Jeff as she was eloping with Vaughn that life was too short to live it stuck in one place and bitter. She married that weird hippie with tiny nipples and ended up popping successive kids out. It wasn’t that Jeff was jealous, because he wasn’t, but he was unhappy with being stagnant and stuck in the same job for five years.

Jeff shook his head and glared at the Dean,

“Listen, I’ve got office hours, so I have to go fix my hair and pretend to be interested in my student’s cool personal lives and problems.”

The Dean just smiled and said, “Dean you later, Jeffrey!."

Six hours later Jeff was leaving his office and drinking his now melted coffee drink and inhaling a doughnut. He just finished the last delicious bite when his door swung open. The Dean walked in carrying a brief case and dropped it on one of his chairs and stalked toward him.

Jeff was simultaneously terrified and a tiny bit intrigued.

"What's going on, Dean? Did you forget your manners?"

"How long are we going to dance around this animal attraction of ours, Jeffrey?"

Jeff was shocked speechless and tried to come up with some sort of rebuttal.

Dean walked closer and stroked his fingers down his cheek to his chest and then up into his hair,

"What's the matter, Jeffy poo, cat got your tongue?"

Jeff stuttered in shock,

"Wh...Wha... What are you doing, Dean?"

"I'm finally making the first move. We've dance around this far too long. You want me and I want you and we should just stop fighting it."

Dean licked his cheek to his ear and Jeff rolled his chair as far back as he could until he was up against the wall.

"Dean, what has gotten into you? I'm not gay, remember? I like vagina and smooth legs and the whole female form. I love it. I do not find men attractive at all. I mean, yeah, I may have thought about it before and I definitely find myself attractive, but it’s definitely all female for me all the time now. "

"Don't fight it, Jeff. You know that you love educating others with me. Admit it. It's better than sex."

"Nothing is better than sex. Sex is pretty much best thing ever."

Dean dropped into Jeff's lap and quickly stuck his tongue in Jeff’s mouth. He was like a honey badger possessed refusing to let up and Jeff thought for sure he would lose consciousness soon.

The Dean finally let him up for air and quickly ripped his shirt open. Buttons flew everywhere and Jeff couldn't help but stare in horror as he felt Dean’s penis throbbing against him as he straddled him again.

He grabbed Jeff's hands and placed them on his chest.

"Oh yes, Jeff. Feel this. My nipples are so hard for you. I haven't felt the touch of a strong man's hands in so long."

Dean held his hands in place and began to grind down on Jeff and before Jeff could pull away or complain he could feel himself responding. He couldn't believe it. He was actually getting turned on by a man?

He tried to rationalize it and justify it away. It was only because he was being so dominant and he did like making fun of him and it was only a physical thing. His body had to react to the stimulation because it was designed to do so.

And then Dean was whispering breathy words into his ear about how much he wanted to feed him 5 cans of olives, how much he wanted to make him teach him law in nothing but his underwear, how they couldn't give into their desires because it was forbidden and Jeff kept getting harder and harder until finally one last thrust down from his and he felt himself tipping over the edge.

Jeff sat up in a fine sheen of sweat in horror. He looked around and saw the clock on the side table said 4:43 a.m. He was shaking too in what he could only describe as a mix between terror and horror.

He shook his bed partner awake.

He heard a slight groan and then a blonde head popped up from under the covers,

"What time is it, Jeff?"

"It's almost 5 a.m., but I need your help."

"I'm not giving you "help" at 5 a.m., Jeff. Go back to bed and wake me up in a few hours."

"You don't understand, Quendra. I had a nightmare."

"So?"

"About The Dean."

Quendra sat up and was suddenly interested.

"Which one?"

"What do you mean which one. The only one you could have a nightmare about.."

"Did you have the one where he locked you in a room and read his fanfiction to you?"

"Worse."

"How much worse?"

"Think worst dream ever."

"Dean told you that you had to retake all your classes at Greendale and Leonard would be your professor for every one of them?"

"Even worse."

"Worse than _that?_ You're going to have to help me out here, Jeff."

"Idreamedihadsexwithhim."

"A little slower please."

"I dreamed I had sex with him."

Quendra burst out laughing.

"You had sex with the Dean in your dream? Was it any good?"

Quendra burst out laughing again and was holding her stomach.

"It's not funny! It's deeply disturbing and..." Jeff looked down at his crotch.

Quendra gasped and pulled the sheets back to show a very wet stain on the front of Jeff's pajama pants.

"OH MY GOD! You had a wet dream about The Dean and you came in your sleep!"

Quendra was laughing uncontrollably again.

"I couldn't help it, Quendra. He was like a nymphomaniac. He was holding me down and grinding.."

Quendra grimaced, "Eww, Jeff. I don't want to hear the details. Although, I'm sure The Dean would _love_ to."

Quendra started laughing uncontrollably again and reached for her phone.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to leave The Dean a voicemail on his phone. He’s going to LOVE this.

"Quendra you can't! I'll never be able to look his in the eyes again!"

Quendra put her phone down and told Jeff to lay back down.

Jeff could still feel Quendra laughing her ass off silently and tried to shove Quendra off him.

"Jeff, honey, it's fine. I've had sex dreams about all sorts of people. I even had one about Britta once."

"Really?"

"Yeah and it meant nothing. Besides, I think I know what's going on."

"You do?"

"Dean reminds you of us your father and you secretly want to have sex with him.

"Were you reading psychology magazines at the dentist again?

"Oh stop being such a baby.

"Just promise me that this stays between us."

"I promise."

Later that afternoon Jeff joined Quendra for lunch in the cafeteria. They were just beginning their salads when Dean showed up and Quendra invited hi, to stay. He turned to Jeff with a sparkle in his eye and said,

"Deaner with the Dean? Don’t mind if I dean!”

Quendra just laughed as Jeff glared at him.

Dean turned to Jeff,

"What is so humorous?"

Quendra just kept laughing.

Jeff bit out, “Nothing is wrong."

Quendra finally stopped laughing long enough to tell Dean,

"Jeff just feels overwhelmed in your presence."

The Dean is suddenly euphoric at this sentiment.  
“Oh My. Is this true Jeffrey?"

Quendra burst out laughing again,

"That's exactly it, Dean Jeff really, _really_ can't handle himself when you’re around him. You should've seen him last night having nightmares and everything."

"Oh, I get it, Jeff. I'm too much for you to handle."

Quendra was nearly double over by that point and Jeff threw his napkin on the table.

"Dean, by all means I can _handle_ anything. Now if you'll excuse us, I need to speak to my new ex-girlfriend."

Dean stared at them with look of bewilderment as Quendra continued to laugh the entire way out of the cafeteria.

"Thanks, Quendra for that. You're a jerk."

"I'm sorry, baby. I would suggest we go home and I make it up to you by rolling around in quettle quorn, but then I'm afraid you'd be thinking of Dean the whole time and that's just weird."

"We should break up. I can't handle the way you write all k sounds with a qu. Honestly I should just call the Dean."

Quendra gasped in overly dramatic fashion at that. Then she started laughing as she repsonded,

"Fine if you think that'll help!"

Jeff nearly growled and took off after a laughing Quendra.

"That's right, Quendra. You better run."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.


End file.
